I have no idea what it’s like to be pregnant. Blinking heck I got a jab straight through my tummy as I wrote that.
I do know what’s it’s like to want to be a parent and as the opportunity gets closer are the feelings we feel similar?
In the last part of the adoption process before we were officially matched. Everything seemed to hang in the balance because nothing was official until the matching panel, where (very knowldegable and kind) strangers would decided if we were the right match for the children we’d never met but had all ready fallen in love with.
My brother and his wife were expecting a baby and everyone was so excited for them, including me.
But I also felt a bit sad as I didn’t think some of my family were as excited for us as they were for them. I soon learnt that as per usual I was wrong.
I’m not good at hiding my feelings, when I’m excited I show it and when I feel my feelings aren’t reciprocated I feel the weight of that.
Of course I was terrified that we were almost there but not quite and that something could go wrong and we would not be matched.
But my heart was already open to them and I was becoming committed to children I hadn’t even met.
I was committed when I saw their chubby little faces for the first time.
I was disappointed when I was told that another match was being considered.
I was over the flipping moon when I saw those same chubby little faces in an adoption magazine a couple of months later.
When I met their foster carer and saw their handprints and paintings I burst in to tears. They became so much more real at that point.
As more and more information was exchanged. I started to feel responsible for them, and after the child appreciation day a social worker asked if we were still committed or should they go to an adoption event? I replied calmly, we are still committed but in my head I was screaming “no they’re mine”.
If at any point something had happened resulting in the match not being approved we would have been completely and utterly devastated.
Once we were matched though, everyone let their excitement out and I realised what had happened. They were trying to hold back their excitement to protect me and possibly themselves.
Hindsights a wonderful thing and perhaps if everyone had been as excited as I was it may have made it too overwhelming.
My brother (who happens to be one of the loveliest men on the planet) and I talked about it I can talk to him about everything (EVERYTHING), even the stuff that I know might upset him.
I spoke to him about how I felt that everyone was so excited for them and the baby but not for me and that I felt terribly guilty for feeling this way.
“Everyone is excited for you. But your excitement outweighs everyone else’s. You have the connection with them already, a strong connection and not everyone has that. We are just making sure your feelings are protected”.
He was spot on as per usual.
After the matching panel I was thrown a surprise adoption shower! It was amazing. I was spoilt rotten and so were the kids. My friends had gone out of their way to get presents for the children.. it was so special.
When I spoke to my family everyone started to sound so much more excited for me and were surprised that in less than a month we would meet our children for the first time and 10 days later they would be living with us.
I still can’t decide whether I would of preferred
everyone to be more openly excited or to of held back. I also realise people should feel and react how they want to feel.
I know that how ever anyone reacted or didn’t react it all came from a place of love and for that I am thankful.