Monthly Archives: July 2017

Never think that I don’t love you

Things have been really tricky with Big Pig the last few weeks.

We seem to have turned a corner but if im honest I know we will go through it again as his behaviour and boundary testing varies all the time but through it all and however hard he pushes I always make sure he knows that I love him no matter what.

I wrote this for him, love you so much Big Pig.

Never think that I don’t love you
When I shout or cry
Never think that I don’t love you
When you make me so mad I can’t look you in the eye
You see I will always love you until the end of time
I chose you, your everything, you will always be mine
Even when you ask me a question for the 100th time
Even when you hit me, or throw something, or say you wish you weren’t mine
Nothing that you say or do
Will stop me from loving you
No amount of trying to push me away
Will stop me from wanting to always stay
Near to you, loving you and keeping you safe
Your stuck with me now through good times and bad
We’ll laugh together we’ll make each other sad
We’ll probably say things that we don’t mean
We’ll probably shout, we may even scream
But never forget how I chose you
And how much you mean to me
You’re everything I dreamed of when I dreamt of a family

A tale of two cities

Well just one actually but two very different days out!

So last week we went to London twice.

Both days were great but I tell you what hats off to those breezy Mums walking down the Southbank with their buggies – do you know a route we did not? Because we went down three flights of stairs with two buggies and 4 kids 5 and under!

The first day in London was spontaneous. Big Pig and I went, just the two of us and we had a lovely day. It was tiring but only because we walked around half of London!

The second day was planned we went with friends to the science museum.

I’d never been there before, it was great! But so busy and hot. By the time we got to the maths area and a very chirpy lady caught the eye of Big Pig and reeled him in with talk of board games and building your own dice!

When she also mentioned that there was only “40 spaces” on the board my friend and I both did that nip it in the bud hand across throat action! But it was too late one of the boys had the board the other had the dice! For the next 5 minutes we played the game but luckily they were easily lured away with talk of aeroplanes.

I then suggested we go to Southbank! Big Pig and I had been there on Monday and it was lovely. Strolling along, watching the performers, breezy!

On the second day it was quite
different. As we walked over Waterloo bridge the heavens opened and there was a torrential down pour! We had to get the buggies down three flights of stairs. We took cover in some sort of archway and waited out the rain!

It stopped eventually and in the distance we saw theĀ Snog bus. Piglet’s dreams were about to come true a bus selling yoghurts!!

We then went to the play park where they burnt off a little bit of steam!

On to Giraffe, I hadn’t been there before it was lovely. I needed wine by this point so downed a glass while we juggled the kids and their food and drinks and Piglets sugar high which resulted in her introducing herself to every table around us and then pegging it out of the open side door! She’s developed a new love of “running away” which is so much fun. NOT!

Once we finished dinner we went to the train station! Now I haven’t mentioned the trains. I was surprised every time we got down the bottom of the escalators that we’d all made it without injury. I also got way to excited if I saw a lift, actually not even just the lift but a sign for the lift! But some weren’t working and on a couple of occasions we waited so longĀ for them that it would of been easier to go down the escalators!

By the time we got on the train home we were shattered. But we had had a lovely day, in between the trains and rain and buggy carrying we had loads of laughs and the kids had fun!

And it looks like our next day out will be a bit more local!

 

 

Should we celebrate celebration day?

The reason I started writing the blog is because when we were considering adoption I googled the crap out of it and found very few positive family life type blogs.

I now know that they are out there but at the time what I did find was very negative.

Now this post isn’t alarming but it also isn’t a cheery one about our every day family life.

It’s about the Celebration Day. Now I know there is a lot to celebrate we all adore each other we have grown together as a family and it was a lovely day. But before during and after Big Pig was the most troubled he has ever been.

He’s always testing the boundaries. But the last couple of weeks it has been endless. Every nighttime has been really testing for us and I’m sure him. We’ve tried to (and sometimes failed) to stick to our calm approach. We over praise the good and try to not give the bad much attention but sometimes this is impossible if he is in danger of harming himself or others.

He’s not only had the celebration day coming up but he’s had sports day, an end of year assembly and transition sessions to his new class. All that added to him still getting to grips with me returning to work has left him shaken.

And I tell you what; remaining consistent and setting boundaries is tough, really tough when you just see in his eyes that he is really struggling.

The other night it got to a point where something had to give. He had started to throw things all over the place. Piglet was looking really frightened. When he eventually calmed down. I held him close and this conversation happened:

Me “there’s a lot been going on recently hasn’t there”

Big Pig “yes”

Me “I bet that makes you feel funny”

Big Pig “yes in my tummy I feel sick”

Me “remember when you first lived with us and your social worker came to visit and you used to feel poorly?”

Big Pig “yes”

Me “well eventually you were able to tell me that you felt sick because she was coming”

Big Pig “yes I did, why do I feel like that now. Shall I go to a foster carer”

Me ” no poppet, you are mine and Daddy’s, we are all a family forever now, no more foster carers”

Big Pig “oh, but when will I see the big girls again”

Me “your sisters?”

Big Pig “yes, and my mu… my tummy mummy”

Me “well not for a long time but one day you might be able to. We can always talk about them. I bet you miss them very much. And that’s ok because they do love you”

Big Pig “but why can’t I see them”

Me “because although your tummy Mummy loves you very much she didn’t know how to keep you safe”

Big Pig “but you could show her how to”

Me “well I can’t do that, but we can talk about her, I know she loves you she just didn’t know how to take care of you, but we are so very lucky that she had such lovely children like you and Piglet and I will always talk to you about her if you want me to”

Big Pig “but she will miss me, she will be sad”

Me ” yes she will be, but she knows that you are safe”

He then sobbed like I have never seen him cry before, I only understood a few words which were “I don’t want her to be sad”.

I would be lying if I said my heart wasn’t a little crushed. But also I was so grateful that he trusts me enough to have a conversation like this with me.

I want him to express himself. He was with his birth family for most of his life. Whatever happened, it was love to him and I was of course aware that he might be feeling this way but in retrospect the celebration day wasn’t all celebration.

For Big Pig it signalled perhaps the end to the only life he had known for most of his little life.

After that night his behaviour has radically improved. It will of course happen again when his little mind can’t quite compute what is happening but we will be there to love him through it and hopefully each time he will realise that talking about it or crying about it is better than keeping it in.