Or is it the same old you?
I have the same thoughts and conversations with myself each year between Christmas Eve and New Year. “Oh god I’m so fat”, “I’ve eaten so much”.
A few months ago I posted a photo on Instagram and tagged plus size fashion. I talked about how big I was. A friend pulled me up on it. Well I say pulled me up she just expressed her dislike of the phrase “plus size”.
It got me thinking about my body image, my image of myself. I would say outwardly I am really confident. Inwardly I’m a mixture. But do I respect my body? No.
I eat too much, I drink too much. I rely on coffee. I enjoy the odd cigarette and I am literally obsessed with sugar.
Now I’m not about to write a post on how I’m going to stop all these things. I’ve tried that and I also bloody love them all.
I’ve been on countless diets. Countless. I lose about 10lb to a stone and then feel a bit better then go fully backwards and put it all back on and normally a bit more.
It’a not working. It’s time to be different and that starts from thinking about myself differently.
I have 3 large scars on my stomach, from 7 operations; one that led to me not being able to have children naturally. I have felt for many years that my body failed me. I was ill for years; I lost friends and took forever to complete University.
Now this is no pity party. I have so many wonderful people in my life and we’ve adopted and although parenting is bloody hard work I couldn’t of had better children.
These children were meant for me and I was meant for them. They drive me mad but they have an unconditional love for me. They think I’m beautiful, my husband thinks I’m beautiful.
Do they think I’m beautiful because I’m a stone lighter? No. They think I’m beautiful because of the way that I love them. How silly I am. How I dance about and jiggle my belly like I don’t care. And do you know what slowly but surely I’m learning to love myself too.
So this year I’m just going to try respecting my body a bit more and just focus on being happy.
If I’m happy then my children are happy. My happiness can be found sometimes in fizzy cola bottles, cadburys fruit & nut and a large wine glass of vodka and Pepsi max and that is ok. But maybe if I can start respecting my body then I’ll make better choices in what I put in to it (or how much!)
Oh and I’m ditching the scales! I hate those bloody things!
Next year we are making some big changes. I need to be focussed on supporting my family. My mind does not need to be obsessed on losing a few or 30lbs! So I’m ditching the diets and trying a bit of this self love so many people I admire are going on about!