I don’t know why I don’t remember, because each year around this time I think, oh yes, thats why.
My gorgeous boy has been a lot more clingy the last week or two and more emotionally charged. There are other subtle changes; his jealousy over his sister becomes too much for him and he is almost anticipating her every move, he only wants me at bedtime, he’s making me lots of gifts and pictures and he’s telling me memories he has from his birth family. The other day he told me clearly a memory he had from the last day he saw her. He’d received a toy. He then wanted to go through all of his toys to see who had given him what. Again I was startled by his memory. Again I was floored by his resilience. We spoke and took time and I carefully asked if they were talking about families at school. “Yes” he replied. Aw ok. And then he said; “I’ve been making you stuff for Mother’s Day”, “Oh, ok” I said “that’s lovely”. He looked down. My heart twinged a little. “Would you like to make your tummy Mummy a card”. He still didn’t look at me. “Yes” he answered. I said that that was a lovely idea, in the most upbeat way I could, because I know he was worried about telling me.
Thing is, I know he misses her and loves her. That’s ok. It was all he knew. They will always be a part of our lives. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have them.
But my goodness, sometimes I just want to get in his little head and help him sort out the muddles he must have in there. He remembers something and then has to put it in to context. He then doesn’t talk about it straight away and it exerts itself in his moods and behaviour. I don’t think he even knows why he is feeling the way he does. It’s almost when he is out the other side of it he is able to talk about it.
We have counselling once a week at the moment and it’s a massive help, mainly to make sure we are doing everything we can to support them.
This Mother’s Day, we will be respectful to his feelings and I’m going to make it clear to him that I’m happy to make space for the Mum that came before me. He told me last night he loved me more than her. I automatically thought he’d seen the little touch of sadness in my face when we talked about her, I said “you are capable of loving so many so deeply, there’s plenty of room for us both in your heart”.